Time flies

So if I go to bed at 9, that means there's 5 hours until midnight...

Queen who?

(After the queen announced she was cancelling a trip due to gastroenteritis) 


D - Oh, the queen is ill. She's cancelled a trip for St David's day. 



C - Who?



D - The queen?



C - Oh, that old lady on our money?

Dirk who?

(During the third episode of "Dirk Gently")


C - Who is that guy?




M - Who, Dirk?




C - Yeah. Who is he?




M - The title character.




C - Then why is he only appearing in the third episode?




D - Are you even watching this?

What a coincidence

C - Did you try that jam doughnut flavoured milkshake? It tasted like...I don't know...



D - Jam doughnuts?



C - Yeah, that one.

Unconsciously thinking

(When watching TV)



C - She wouldn't come unconconcious that quickly.



M - But she is conscious, not unconscious. 




C - No. She was asleep, now she's unconscious. 




M - But she's awake. 




C - Yeah. Unconscious. 

Presidential material

C - I want to be the president one day.



A - Prime minister?



C - No. President. 



A - You can't be president. You're British.



C - That's racist. 

Guest post - Or a mixture of the two

Wait a minute, are you talking about the vampire sex god? Or the horse?


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Scared or sacred?

Sacrilege?  That's something about scared. Sacred scared? Right? Almost? 

Guest post - At least CoD allows endless respawns

(When playing Call of Duty: Finest Hour on a PlayStation 2. Myself and my friend were on the D-Day stage, and I kept dying.)




Me - Wow. War is serious.




My friend - (Looking at me as if I were the biggest idiot ever) YOU DON'T SAY?!




(I face-palmed and walked out of the room. I can never live this down.)




Submitted by silvase.




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22 episodes, one hour each...

(When starting a new series of Stargate)



C - So there are 22 episodes in this series. Each episode is about an hour. So that makes this series...oh it's too complicated.





M - 22 hours?





C - Something like that.

Guest post - And whatever Jerry says is true

(When watching Jerry Springer)




R - Oh my God, he raped that baby! 




M -  That show's not exactly credible.



 
R - But he took a lie detector test! 




M - That machine is based off how nervous you are, like a heartbeat?



 
R - No, he raped it!



 
M - Why wasn't it on the news then? That's a big story there.



 
R - Because...Jerry found them first.




Submitted by terraearth




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Time travel can be achieved

C - Woah, has it really been 30 minutes since I went to the toilet?


M - No, it's been less than a minute. This clock just tells the wrong time.

Guest post - Well, it burns calories

(My flatmate eats constantly, but is the smallest person in our flat. I come home and find her eating a pint of ice cream in front of the TV)



A - How can you eat so much and stay so small? What is your secret?



B - (Without looking up) I slept with your boyfriend when you went home last week.



(I thought she was joking. She wasn't.)




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I didn't choose the pug life

It must be really hard to be a pug. Doing that face hurts. 

The hunchback of Bosworth Field

(After being told that Richard the Third had a hunchback)


Are Richard the Third and that dude in a church in France the same guy?