Nessie's best friend

C - I watched footage of mermaids. I can't believe they're real!



D - They're not.



C - It was very realistic CGI if it wasn't real.



D - It wasn't real.



C - They're like a cross between an alien and a fish!



D - No, they're not.

Or the next Eyensteyen

(When being congratulated on high grades)



Imagen if u [father] would of been cleaver. I may of been the next Harkins.

If you know what I mean

(When discussing the differences in water around the country.)



K - They have soft water up here, right?





D - Yeah, it's hard down south.



(K and D were giggling like children.)

If they're fans of SG1

(When watching Stargate: SG1.)



I wonder if they used the real Area 51. That would be cool.

Can anyone translate?

C - I used to have a go at you for ejecting my butt.



M - What?



C - For taking my games out of my PlayStation.



M - ...what?

Genuine pasta is made from the tears of children

(When eating a meal of pasta in tomato sauce.)



You can really tell the difference between real pasta and fake pasta.

Cloning adverts

(When watching the film Paul. Paul is an alien and is discussing why he wants to leave - they want to study him by taking stemcells.)



K - You can get stemcells from things like umbilical cords. Can they get them from Paul?





C - From billboards?



(We're hoping it was a misheard line.)

Nearly as scary as rubber ducks

(When watching Balls of Steel. Actors trick members of the public and do stunts. In this stunt, one man is going to dive into a 'pool of piranhas', but misses and falls into a fire, and jumps into the pool to put out the fire. The 'pool of piranhas' is a paddling pool, and the piranhas are obviously plastic toys.)




C - Would piranhas eat humans?


***


C - Are those real piranhas?

When a mummy and daddy love each other very much...

(When reading film trivia.)



D - In Jurassic park there's a sign early on that the dinosaurs can reproduce. Sam Neill on the helicopter has the two female ends of a seatbelt, and combines them to make a belt. Like two females reproducing.




C - So the dinosaurs are lesbians?





D - No. They reproduce. Like a man and a woman





C - I don't get it.




D - Two females make babies by becoming a mum and dad.




C - Ohhhh. Oh I get it now.

Close your eyes. Tell me what you see.

(When playing a catchphrase game.)




C - What do I have to do?





M - Say what you see.





C - Like, in the picture.





M - Well, yes.

It would reduce the overpopulation problem

C - Why don't all women have the implant to stop them having babies and periods?





D - There are side effects. And there would be no more children.





C - Why?

It's, like, common knowledge

(When watching the quiz show The Chase.)




Presenter - How many people are in a trio?




C - 2




Presenter - 3




C - Oh.




Presenter - Where is Venice?




C - France





Presenter - Which of these whales is known as the sea canary because of its singing? Beluga, Blue or Basking?





C - Beluga.





Contestant - Blue?




C - Oh my god, how can she not know that? God

It could mean 'thumped out'. Or 'tocked out'.

(During an episode of Stargate SG:1.)



C - Woah. That guy was TO-ed!



M - TO-ed?



C - Knocked out. TO-ed.



M - It's KO-ed.



C - Why?

People still die when they are killed

(During an episode of Stargate SG:1)



They are human, right? So when they die, they're dead?

Real bodies would attract crows, right?

Do not read this post if you do not like violence or gore. Skip to the ones below.




(When watching a documentary about Vlad the Impaler. He is said to be the man Bram Stoker's Dracula is based on. He killed people by impaling them on large wooden stakes, and then raising the poles to display the bodies. Most people were killed by their own weight forcing the poles further in when they were displayed. One instance created a 'forest of bodies' to scare away an invading army.)




M - I wonder if this is where scarecrows came from.




(We would all be intrigued to know.)

No matter how many times I speak, I speak in the same times

(When discussing sleeping patterns.)



D - No matter what time I go to sleep, and what time I wake up, I always go to sleep at about 3am.



M - What?



D - I got every sentence I had planned in my head, and merged them into one.

They could have had a 3D three

(We're all watching Catchphrase and competing against each other. A clue appears on the screen with the letters "dDD". The camera angle moves to show they are three dimensional.)



A - 3D!



(D and M both realise this at the same time, and nod their agreement. C looks confused.)



C - I don't get it.



A - There are three 'd's. And they are three dimensional.



C - But why are there three 'd's? And why is one small and two big?



D - It's just to make it more complex. And probably to stop someone from saying 'triple D'.



C - Oh. I still don't get it.

And on a larger scale, the USA is part of Europe. And Europe is part of the Soviet Union. And the Soviet Union is part of Australia.

C - Where is Antigua?

D - The Caribbean. So on a larger scale - near Mexico.

C - Oh. So it's a part of the USA.

It's a horrible STD

(When watching Catchphrase.)



Blue blood! That's from the royal family, right? They all had sex together and it made their blood turn blue.



(Blue blooded was the answer.)

Doesn't everyone know Queen and Brian May?

(When deciding whether every area is famous for something)



D - Oldham. What's Oldham famous for?



A - Brian Cox.



C - Who's he?



D - The scientist who used to be a musician.



C - Oh him. The only handsome science guy.



D - Some people would vote for Brian May though. Even though he's about 70 years old.



C - I don't know who that is.



D - He's in Queen.



C - What's Queen?



D - The band? He's the one with the hair.



C - I don't know what that is.



D - The band. Queen. Freddie Mercury. Brian May. Roger Taylor. And the other one that no one can name.



C - Okay. I know. I think. But who is the Brian one?



(The other one is John Deacon. We checked.)

Due to climate change, weather is now universal

(When watching a national TV programme, being aired live from the other side of the country.)



TV - It's Friday, and it's raining on us.



C - No it's not!

That would be a totally different type of film

(When reading about how migration affects local cultures.)



D - People from India buggered in other countries and created a new mixture of Indian/Western films.



M - What?!



D - Buggered OFF in other countries. Off. They buggered off.

There is some logic (Angelina Jolie Part 2)

(After discovering that Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy to reduce the risk of developing breast cancer.)



C - Why did she have her boobs cut off?



D - To reduce her chance of having cancer.



C - Why doesn't everyone have their boobs cut off then?



It would stop you from getting lung cancer (Angelina Jolie Part 1)

I do believe in charity, I do, I do

(After watching an advert for the Race For Life, a charity run to raise money for breast cancer. The Race For Life is part of the charity Cancer Research.)



C - I don't believe in charity.



D - What if you get ill? And didn't you say cancer ran in your family?



C - Yeah, but if I get ill I can get treated at hospital.



D - Using treatments that are discovered by Cancer Research and other charities?



C - Well, duh.



D - That doesn't seem very logical.



C - I want their help. I don't need to pay for it.



M - Haven't you done the Race For Life?



C - Yeah. For fun.



D - Wait, what?

It's a tough choice

C - M, I need your help to choose an outfit for [formal occasion]. This one, I don't really like it much, or this one?



M - Those are the choices?



C - Yeah.



M - Why not just buy the one you like?



C - ...oh yeah.

It would stop you from getting lung cancer (Angelina Jolie Part 1)

(After discovering that Angelina Jolie had a double mastectomy to reduce the risk of developing breast cancer.)



Can you get other parts removed to stop you getting cancer? If you, like, had a chance of getting lung cancer, could you have your lungs removed?



There is some logic (Angelina Jolie Part 2)

Damn their profit margin

(When finding a company to print 50 photographs.)



Yay, free printing! But they want £2 for postage. That's just trying to get more money from me.

I don't know whether to go aww or just frown

I don't have any friends, apart from the ones I have.

Isn't this in the UK Citizenship test?

Is Stonehenge in the UK?

There is no age limit. But there are height barriers

(When discussing bus passes.)




How old do you have to be to catch a bus?

That does sum them up

C - What are obituaries? 



D - Notifications about the dead. They print them in newspapers with a tiny biography.



C - Dead people adverts?

It's a hermaphrodite free area

I'm going to make new friends. They either have to be male or female.

It's a depressing outlook

(When watching Catchphrase - a gameshow where contestants look at animations and guess at what the catchphrase or quote is that they represent.)



C - When one door opens, another one closes!



M - No, it's the other way round.



C - Why?



M - Because it's about new opportunities.



C - Yeah. And doors closing are good.

They don't rhyme in English, either

(During the introduction to an episode of FMA: Brotherhood, a Japanese anime series.)



C - Do you think this song rhymes in Japanese?



M - Well, listen to it and see if it rhymes.



C - But this is the English version. We don't know how it sounds in Japanese.



D - But it's the same theme music.



C - But it would sound different to the Japanese.



D - Well, yes, because they know what it translates into.



C - Exactly. It might rhyme in Japanese.



M - I've been listening. This one doesn't rhyme.



C - But it might in Japanese!

Well, he is getting on a bit now

(When looking at a Where's Wally? picture - a large, complex image where you look for certain people and items. Note: In the UK "Where's Waldo?" is called "Where's Wally?")



Wally has a cane? How long has he been crippled for? When I was little he could walk.

Pretty much

Is fostering just legally kidnapping a child?

*Sniff* It's just so emotional. The way the smoke flowed between the blades of grass. It's so beautiful

What is tear gas? Does it make stuff get torn up?

Quote from a different flatmate

(An appeal advert comes on - no one is fully paying attention to it)



TV - Amena would ask you to save her life. But she can't.



D - Because she's dead.



M - Dude, that's harsh.



D - Huh? (Looks up). I thought it was an advert about donkeys. My bad.

That's speciesist

(When watching You've Been Framed - someone is poking a live scallop to make it snap shut)



C - Is that real?



D - Yes.



C - It's a living thing, right? How can a rock be alive?

It's funny because there were like, words in a structured way

D - (reading) "I'm pretty sure Community is one of the first sitcoms to pull off a complete twenty minute 8-bit episode. Then again, they're most likely the only sitcom to actually do this". M, can you think of any other series that have ever done that?



M - An episode in eight sections?



D - No, as in the old computer game style.



C - (Laughs until she weeps) I don't know what that means, but it sounded funny.

Doesn't everyone know who Dumbledore is?

(When watching Big Bang Theory, which included 'spoilers' about Harry Potter.)



TV - Oh, that's a good one. Dumbledore dies. Yeah, I didn't see it coming either.



M - I did.



D - Me too.



C - Which one was Dumbledore?

It's puzzling - Part 3

(When playing a puzzle game)



Oh my God, I have to make a cheese burger. How do I make a cheeseburger, M? What comes first? Oh my God, there's a bun. I have to put the burger in a bun. Oh this is complicated. Okay, burger then bun. NO. Bun, burger...cheese? Does a cheeseburger have cheese in it?




It's puzzing - Part 3



It's puzzling - Part 2



It's puzzling - Part 1

It's puzzling - Part 2

(When completing a puzzle game)



I don't get it. M, I don't get it. M. M? M, help me. M. M. M. Help me, M. M, stop laughing. M. M, stop it. M? I don't get it, what's so funny? M. M, look up the answer. M, HELP ME.





It's puzzing - Part 3



It's puzzling - Part 2



It's puzzling - Part 1

It's puzzling - part 1

(When playing a level on a puzzle game)



C - I don't get this puzzle.



M - The red goes with the red, the green goes with the green...



C - What about the blue?



M - It goes with the blue.



C - Oh! I did it! I'm a clever one, me.





It's puzzing - Part 3



It's puzzling - Part 2



It's puzzling - Part 1

Tastes like chicken

(During a meal)



C - My face tastes weird.



A - Why are you tasting your face?



C - Because it tastes like my dinner.



D - Then didn't your dinner taste weird?



C - Yeah. That might be it.

The logic is sound

(During an episode of Stargate SG-1. The characters are trapped in an area about to flood, and the Stargate, their way home, will not open.)



TV - This place is going to flood in 48 hours!



C - Why don't they just float?



M - What?



C - People float, right? Why don't they just wait for it to flood, then float through the Stargate when it opens?

For the sake of anonymity, we shall leave this open to interpretation

I'm over 21, aren't I?

Cause of death - biscuit lung

M - *Chokes on some biscuit crumbs*



C - What happens when you breathe in crumbs or drink? Does it, like, stay there forever until you run out of space?

I'm Spartacus

(Completely at random)



C - Is there more than one Mecca?



M - No.



C - Really?



D - I...what? I don't even know how to reply to that.



C - What? It would be confusing, wouldn't it? "I'm praying to Mecca", "no you're not, it's the other way", "but it's this way too". See? Confusing.

He's only done it for years. It's got to be simple

(After watching a master of sleight of hand climb from one moving car from another to perform a trick)



That's not difficult. Anyone could jump across a moving car.

The Complete Return of Chronicles of Breadmix

(Some of the breadmix has been used. The remainders are being used to make bread rolls)



C - I used a third of the breadmix last time. How much water do I need?



D - (weighs the mix) You used half of it last time.



C - No. I used 250g of it.



D - It's a 500g bag. Half of 500 is 250.



C - So how much water do I need?



D - Half of the amount in the instructions.



C - But I don't like reading instructions.



D - I can tell.




(After mixing the dough together)



C - How do I mix this like bread?



D - You knead it.



C - How do I knead?



D - I thought I told you. How did you mix this bread up last time?



C - I just hit it a lot.



(D demonstrates kneading)



C - I can do this now.



(During the second kneading session)



C - How do I knead again?




(The dough is kneaded and rested)



C - D, how many bread rolls can this make?



D - See how many the instructions say, and half it.



C - I don't like instructions. It says 10 or 12. I don't know which.



D - So it can make 5 or 6 rolls.



C - How do you know that?



D - It's half of 10 and 12.




(The bread rolls have been left to rise for 40 minutes)



C - Now what?



D - Put them in the oven.



C - For how long?



D - Didn't we have this conversation last time? Read the instructions. 



(The bread rolls were put in the oven and checked on every five minutes)





(The rolls are being stared at)



C - Do I need to turn them over?



D - No.



C - I'm going to turn them over.



D - You really don't need to. 



C - Why not?



D - Do you turn over cakes?



C - I could do if I wanted to.



(She did turn over every roll)



The complete return of the chronicles of breadmix


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 5


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 4


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 3


The return of  chronicles of bread mix - part 2


The return of the chronicles of bread mix - part 1


The original chronicles of bread mix

The Return of Chronicles of Breadmix - Part 5

(The rolls are being stared at)



C - Do I need to turn them over?



D - No.



C - I'm going to turn them over.



D - You really don't need to. 



C - Why not?



D - Do you turn over cakes?



C - I could do if I wanted to.



(She did turn over every roll)




The complete return of the chronicles of breadmix


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 5


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 4


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 3


The return of  chronicles of bread mix - part 2


The return of the chronicles of bread mix - part 1


The original chronicles of bread mix

The Return of Chronicles of Breadmix - Part 4

(The bread rolls have been left to rise for 40 minutes)



C - Now what?



D - Put them in the oven.



C - For how long?



D - Didn't we have this conversation last time? Read the instructions. 



(The bread rolls were put in the oven and checked on every five minutes)




The complete return of the chronicles of breadmix


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 5


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 4


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 3


The return of  chronicles of bread mix - part 2


The return of the chronicles of bread mix - part 1


The original chronicles of bread mix

The Return of Chronicles of Breadmix - Part 3

(The dough is kneaded and rested)



C - D, how many bread rolls can this make?



D - See how many the instructions say, and half it.



C - I don't like instructions. It says 10 or 12. I don't know which.



D - So it can make 5 or 6 rolls.



C - How do you know that?



D - It's half of 10 and 12.




The complete return of the chronicles of breadmix


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 5


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 4


The return of chronicles of bread mix - part 3


The return of  chronicles of bread mix - part 2


The return of the chronicles of bread mix - part 1


The original chronicles of bread mix